The ChayRae

 what a schmuck i am.

So here's the thing: LJ confusses me. There are a bunch of links that seem they should be important but are all in Russian and there is no way of changing it to English or even Deutsch. But that's okay. I'm not looking to meet new people are to become a member of some fabulous community. If someone were to comment, fine! I probably won't reply just because this is merely a journal thingy I'm trying to force myself to do.

When I was kid, I'd carry my journals everywhere, just in case something popped in my head that I never wanted to forget. Those days have long passed and I've wondered what would I accomplish if I gave it a try again? The downside with an actual journal is handwriting. I hate mine, I'm slow at scribbling and faster at typing. So there you go. I'm sick of Xanga, Myspace, and Blogger. With those sites, I felt I was always writing for someone because someone always knew I had those particular blogs. Not this time. Well not till recently, apperantly. Whatever.

After the "crackcrackcrack" post on WitPit's site, I've vowed never to visit it again. "I think you just don't want to be happy" (with my name as a tag). What the hell is that? Do I seem depressed to you? Oh, wait. I just recently had one of the shitiest weeks of my life!  I'm sure his new girlfriend explained it. However, I question if she expressed her guilt to him. She seems to pick and choose which truths she wants to reluctently reveal depending on the person listening. All considering, I think I've held myself together very well. Not that I was asking what WitPit thought in the first place. I could give a damn at this point.

Anyway, I can assume WitPit might dislike this journal for some of things I have expressed. For this I apologize. Again, my goal was never to flaunt this site around (I didn't link it on my Facebook like most do), so if anyone doesn't like what they're reading, then don't read. I don't have friends on LJ. I haven't told my friends about LJ. I don't plan on having friends on LJ. I've actually gotten pretty damn good at being a loner...


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I was invited (by 2 people - Johnny Lovebucket and random guy at Dara's) to a party across the street from my place a couple of nights ago. Turns out, it's Dakota Fucktard's new place. Grantus was there, high as kite (avoiding my very existance just I strive to do). Colton was also there because he's a newly out of the closet pothead. I stayed longer than I should have.

I'm such an awkward beast.

The Giant brought me sushi (eel) back from KC. Yum!

 My day went from sour to semi-sweet. Last night I tried to catch up on homework I neglected all weekend.  I ended up reading Hänzel und Gretel for German 4 right before bed.  Bad idea.  It rained hard and right after I fell asleep, the largest scariest tunderclap sounded at 3:30am and scared me shitless.  I called the Giant and he came over and held me until I fell asleep. I slept for maybe an hour and had to get up because me and the Giant don’t really fit well on my couch.  I was suppose to be up at 7am so I could catch a ride with Ari to school.  The Giant said he would wake up then and go home.  WELL, he did.  But he didn’t make sure I got up too.  I accedently slept an extra hour and awoke when Ari let herself into my studio.  I was so upset I slept in and especially that the Giant left knowing I needed to get up and shower at the same time.  I snapped at Ari when she jokingly spoke off my bedhead and I was on the verge of crying when I dropped Ari off a few minutes late to her class.  While sitting in the parking lot waiting for a spot, I became very depressed and only one cig left.  I called the Giant.  I’m not sure why, I think I sort of wanted to make him feel bad so that I wouldn’t, but then I felt horrible for doing that.  So after I hung up with him, I did the only thing logical to me at the moment.  I cut wrist twice with my Swiss army knife.  After seven months of keeping myself from this, I was very disappointed with myself.  I still haven’t told the Giant…

 

Okay, I know I was planning on distancing myself from WitPit, BUT it didn’t work. After class, we decided we needed to take him thrifting for winter.  I went to Panera Bread with Ari and it was a nice change from my horrible morning.  I decided to skip my last two classes because I was very tired and didn’t want to be down during them.  So I had her drop me off at the Giant’s while he worked because I wanted to nap.

 

Later, I borrowed Ari’s car and WitPit and I went to Grandmas Trunk. He bought a coat that made him look like either a very old man or a child. It was cute. I bought him a birthday gift; something I should have done long ago. It was a 1953 typewriter in excellent condition (it even came with the manual) and was only $12.  He was super excited, I think.  It’s always good to see a real smile come out of him. And he hardly EVER fakes a smile so I definitely earned it.

 

I got Lori’s phone number today from Lindsey.  I’m super exited about calling her later.